How do we stop hating someone when the hurt keeps coming back? We may try to push the feeling away, only to find resentment rising again. Sometimes we have not fully recognized the hatred in our hearts—or we still believe we are justified in holding on to it.
God’s Word leads us through three steps: recognize the hatred, repent of it, and plant love in its place.
First, we must recognize the hatred in our hearts.
Just as light reveals darkness, the light of God’s Word reveals the sins hidden within us. As God graciously shines His light more brightly, even small areas of darkness become clear. But when we remain in darkness, we cannot see the darkness for what it is.
We may think, “A little resentment is understandable,” or “That person hurt me more than I hurt them.” The pain may be real, but we need to examine what has taken root in our hearts. Have we become so focused on someone else’s wrongdoing that we no longer recognize our own hatred?
Second, we must repent of the hatred we discover.
The Bible tells us that anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer (1 John 3:15). Hatred itself shares the same root as murder. Even if concern about what others think or fear of punishment keeps us from acting on it, the evil within our hearts has not disappeared.
Repentance goes beyond simply admitting, “I hate this person.” Let us confess: “I have hated my brother or sister and harbored a murderous heart. In the light of Your Word, I confess that I am no different from a murderer.” We also need to confess specifically how our hatred has wounded others and grieved God’s heart.
Just as we would quickly wash filth off our bodies, we need to recognize how defiling hatred is and earnestly seek to get rid of it. We do not cleanse ourselves by trying harder. When we confess our sins, God forgives and cleanses us (1 John 1:9).
Third, we must plant love where hatred once grew.
To stop hating someone, we need to do more than suppress our anger. Let us ask God to help us see that person through His eyes, consider their circumstances, and practice love. Understanding someone does not mean excusing their wrongdoing. We can maintain necessary boundaries while asking God to free our hearts from hatred.
When forgiveness feels difficult, we can bring that struggle honestly to God. One simple way to begin is to pray by name for the person we find hard to love, asking God to work in their life as well as our own.
If hatred surfaces again, it does not mean that all our repentance has been in vain. Just as peeling an onion reveals another layer, continued repentance may uncover deeper resentment. As we pray and practice love, God peels away that hatred, one layer at a time.
Today, let us recognize the hatred within us, repent without excuses, and plant love in its place—beginning with prayer for that person.
